The Bible Nut, whose given name was Joseph, had recently found out that between 7:00 pm and 7:30 pm each day the café across the road would sell their muffins at the reduced price of two dollars.
Joseph’s permit allowed him to speak until 7:30 pm but lately, he had been stopping a little early to catch the sale.
‘And Jehovah called unto Moses, and spake unto him out …’
The Lord would forgive him.
‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…’
Speak unto the children of Israel, and say unto them…’
‘It was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness…’
Joseph breathed in deeply and thought of God, Jesus and muffins.
‘Even of the herd and of the flock…’
The Bible Nut had been coming, with the approval of the council, to the corner of Collins St and Swanston St in the Melbourne city centre for six years.
‘It was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity…’
For his hour-long slot, Joseph would set up his microphone, turn the dial on his amplifier to three and a half, switch on his generator and read out excerpts from the bible.
‘And he shall lay his hand upon the head of the burnt-offering…’
When his time was up Joseph would go home or, more recently, take a short detour to the café.
‘It was the season of light, it was the season of darkness…’
For the ninth time in a row the Dickens Stalker, who’s given name was Rhys and who’s blog username was Rhys1983, invited himself to stand alongside the Bible Nut and read the same first chapter from A Tale of Two Cities through a megaphone.
‘It was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair…’
Joseph breathed in again and made sure not to curse.
‘And he shall kill the bullock before Jehovah: and Aaron’s sons…’
‘We had everything before us, we had nothing before us…’
The alarm on Joseph’s digital watch beeped loudly and he fiddled with the tiny buttons until it stopped making noise.
He closed his bible and nestled it into the inside pocket of his jacket. He then unplugged the microphone, turned off the amplifier and coiled the lead around his shoulder.
Rhys smiled and walked away singing quietly to himself.
Joseph had a limp in his left leg, which made the amplifier appear heavier in his hand that it actually was.
He waited for the traffic to clear, looked both ways, walked to the middle of the road, looked again and then took four quick steps to land himself safely on the footpath.
Lindsey, the barista at the café across the road, pressed stop on her digital camera when she saw the Bible Nut approaching.
‘Hey, how are you?’ She asked when Joseph entered her shop.
He nodded in response.
‘After a muffin?’
Joseph pointed.
‘Blueberry, are you pointing at the blueberry one?’
He nodded again.
Lindsey picked up the blueberry muffin with some tongs and slipped it into a paper bag.
Joseph dropped two dollars onto the counter.
‘Oh don’t worry about it,’ she said, ‘you can just have it.’
The Bible Nut smiled and limped out of the shop, leaving the two dollars where it was.
Lindsey dropped the coin into the till.
That night, when Lindsey got home, she uploaded the video she’d recorded onto the Internet.
The title of the video was ‘Prank on Bible Nut’ and it went for seven minutes.
Rhys1983 was the fifth person to leave a comment.
Rhys1983: hey that’s me. I’m the one with the megaphone!
Chuckleberry: ha! Why are you doing that? It’s hysterical.
Chuckleberry: soz, I meant hysterical.
Leom22: I think it’s mean, leave the guy alone.
JustForFun: why did you choose ‘a tale of two cities’?
Chuckleberry: I like that book.
JustForFun: it’s such an obvious choice.
Rhys1983: I just grabbed whatever. It’s the only book I could find.
Toolies: to Leom22: these people deserve it, I hate crazy god nut jobs.
Leom22: everyone has the right to express themselves.
After seeing himself in the video Rhys started to bring a camera to record himself next to the Bible Nut.
‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…’
Joseph noticed the camera and breathed in deeply.
‘And he shall rend it by the wings thereof…’
‘It was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness…’
Passers-by would make sure not to step in front of the camera’s line of vision.
‘What’s going on?’ A woman asked Rhys.
Rhys smiled and read from his book.
‘It was the season of light, it was the season of darkness…’
Joseph stole short glances at his unwelcome companion.
‘It is a burnt-offering, an offering made by fire…’
The Dickens Stalker looked like a man who would read the same first chapter of A Tale of Two Cities through a megaphone and then record himself doing it.
‘It was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair…’
More passers-by stopped to stand alongside the camera.
When enough of a crowd had gathered Rhys took off his blazer.
He was wearing a white t-shirt that had the words rhystheman.blogspace.com written in big black letters.
Over the next month and a half the accumulated views of all the various Bible Nut videos reached close to a million and Rhys changed the background of his blog page from a tiled photo of him on a motorcycle to a simple, yet classy, black.
‘These are the words which Moses spake unto all Israel…’
Dozens of people started gathering at the corner of Collins St and Swanston St on a regular basis to watch the Bible Nut.
Some activists, realising the potential for exposure, stood next to Joseph to rally for their cause.
‘Legalise gay marriage now!’
‘It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…’
‘It is eleven days’ journey from Horeb by the way of mount Seir…’
The activists would hand out pamphlets, Rhys would take photos with fans and the Bible Nut would stand, unflinching with his eyes buried in his beloved text.
‘You are a horrible person, leave us alone with your preaching!’
This man had emerged from the crowd over the past week to rain abuse on Joseph.
‘Leave him alone, he’s not hurting anyone.’
This woman would often come to Joseph’s defence.
‘According unto all that Jehovah had given…’
Many teenagers in the crowd would try to break through the Bible Nut’s statue-like façade.
‘Hey crazy man, give us a wave.’
‘After he had smitten Sihon the king of the Amorites…’
‘Hey nutjob, I think you’re hot.’
The calls would often turn horribly crude at this point and Joseph would work harder to ignore them.
‘Beyond the Jordan, in the land of Moab…’
At the end of most days, the teenagers would start a chant.
‘BIBLE NUT! BIBLE NUT! BIBLE NUT!’
Leom22 asked on Rhys’s blog page why Joseph stood for such abuse. She wanted to know why he kept on showing up and why the police didn’t interfere.
Nobody asked Joseph or the police.
It was either the watch or the microphone and Joseph was grateful he’d attacked the watch.
He didn’t really need it anyway.
He tied the microphone cable tight around his arm. A habit he’d only recently developed.
Joseph was not an angry person.
He didn’t want anything from anyone. Buskers ask for small change, charity collectors ask for donations. He just wanted to speak.
If he didn’t fill the hour between 6:30pm and 7:30pm three days a week then someone else would. It didn’t have to be him, but why not?
Joseph reached the end of Swanston St and paused. He didn’t have a watch anymore but he still knew it was 6:20pm.
He took a few limp steps forward and stopped again.
‘Someone was going to do something on that street corner,’ he muttered, ‘it may as well be a guy reading the bible.’
‘Moreover, your little ones, that ye said should be a prey,…’
‘It was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness…’
‘Legalise now!’
‘Bible nut! Get a life!’
‘Leave him alone!’
‘And your children, that this day have no knowledge of good or evil …’
‘Hey man, there’s no God, give it up!’
‘It was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity…’
‘BIBLE BUT! BIBLE NUT!’
‘But as for you, turn you, and take your journey …’
‘Get a life mate!’
‘BIBLE NUT! BIBLE NUT! BIBLE NUT! BIBLE NUT!’
‘Have you ever even had a girlfriend mate?’
‘It was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness…’
‘Then ye answered and said unto me…’
‘Go home and leave us all alone!’
‘We will go up and fight according to all that Jehovah …’‘BIBLE NUT!’ ‘…and ye girded on every man his weapons of war, …’ ‘BIBLE NUT! BIBLE NUT!’ ‘…and Jehovah said unto me, Say unto them …’ ‘BIBLE NUT! BIBLE NUT! BIBLE NUT! BIBLE NUT!’ ‘…go not up, neither fight; …’ ‘BIBLE NUT! BIBLE NUT! BIBLE NUT! BIBLE NUT!’ ‘…before your enemies…’ ‘BIBLE NUT! BIBLE NUT! BIBLE NUT! BIBLE NUT! BIBLE NUT! BIBLE NUT! BIBLE NUT! BIBLE NUT! BIBLE NUT! BIBLE NUT! BIBLE NUT! BIBLE NUT! BIBLE NUT! BIBLE N…’
The chanting stopped and Rhys immediately turned off his video camera. The activists stopped handing out pamphlets and only two people had their videos recorded on the phones.
‘Um…’ this was Rhys, ‘are you O.K man?’
Joseph didn’t respond.
The crowd reacted as a crowd of people does when someone starts crying, especially when it’s the Bible Nut.
Joseph sat down on his amplifier and the crowd slowly dissipated.
Lindsey had put away her camera as well. She was horrified to see that no one went over to comfort the man. She herself could not leave the café until 7:30pm when she closed shop.
By 7:20pm Joseph had gone home.
Rhys posted one more video of the Bible Nut onto his blog page.
RHYS1983: bit of an overreaction don’t you think?
Chuckleberry: I agree.
Leom22: you pushed him too far.
Rhys1983: it was a joke, I thought he’d enjoy the attention, everyone was having a good time.
Chuckleberry: I guess that’s why they call him a nut…LOL.
