Henry Rockovich; or, Do Magic Mirrors Cause Evil Proclivities (Wicked Witches vs Nokia)?
“The ghosts and their assorted undead et al were the first to adopt the new mobile technology. For those who had kept their thumbs when transitioning into the bright light, the keypad was an obvious winner in an industry previously dominated by Ouija boards and foggy mirrors. There were the usual grumble and chain shaking, but this was to be expected from a market segment recognized for its traditionalism and intransigent grudge-keeping.”
Henry sweated underneath the layers of rugs and mammoth fur as he wrapped up his presentation. The room was too warm, but Henry wanted to show that barbarians could fit into the modern workplace and still look good. Which was not to say that Henry was a conservative. It was a question of survival: if the megafauna won’t have the decency and grace to match improvements in flint technology (not to mention wobbling magnetic poles and whatnot) then it was the duty of the new generation to prove that posture and cerebral volume was good for more than Eye Spy and internecine violence.
“In conclusion, it can be seen that the left bar graph is much taller than the one on the right… and we all know what they say about size!”
It was a tough crowd. Too many dwarves, and not enough sense of humour. A Banshee in the back was laughing, but he couldn’t be sure whether she’d started before or after the punchline.
—
As he packed his caravan, Henry wondered how many more hands he would have to not-rip-off before he was hired away from Sales and into something more prestigious. He hoped for a job in Accounting, Management, or maybe even Perfidy. He wasn’t sure what the third entailed but had seen the label when delivering documents for Mr Blood and thought it would look good engraved onto a personalized sepia business card.
Mr Blood was not a vampire, although he would end every conversation with the words, “You can trust me or I don’t want to drink your blood.” The man (98% genetically) inherited his name from his father’s, father’s, father’s, father’s, master – his great, great grandfather having been head butler to the local count and thus per propriety, inherited the name (like a dog given a family name by a veterinarian’s billing).
—
B/s:
- Erin Brokavitch meets Brothers Grim set in Discworld
- Henry finds a way to be true to his ancestral culture (aka barbarian) whilst participating in the modern brave new world (aka greed). He realizes that he can trick old women into poisoning themselves with mirrors, and all he needs to do is make sure that his boss doesn’t take credit for his idea.
- Meanwhile, mobiles cause cancer lobby team up with old grandmothers and oppose the plucky Henry.
- Or, LotR meets 20th-century visions of genocide but with a disrespectful veneer of amusement.
