[Editor: This is shit]
In our burrow, recipes are passed down from great Aunt to nieces[1]. The rules are simple and powerful, meaning that the wedding presently underway was not merely a solemn vow of love and faithfulness, but also a merger such as had never been seen since the Deepfriers and Brunches fusioned through marriage six generations past. The transport, transcription, and devolution into actual kitchen work and foodstuff were the bedrock of the ceremony, and as such were traditionally the duty of the Lord Mayor (or Great Wizard, if one should be passing through the village at an opportune time).
As the second nephew to the Lord Mayor, the corollary duties and general whims drunkenly called by the Council Folk became my own private privilege and responsibility.
I would have dropped all privileges and responsibilities in lieu of the privileges and responsibilities I had remembered since the first cocktail and aperitif had cast its scent throughout my heart’s chambers: it was no simple thing to be a glutton and connoisseur in our village. It was more than just complex – I was no more than three deaths and one annulled marriage from becoming Lord Mayor myself – and lo betide the Mayor who isn’t highly followed on Yelp, Instagram, and the Shiredom Vogue (Gourmet Edition).
All these facts are well and good and known to all that can call themselves civilized. The problem, or rather, “There was, however, a problem,” which was that Uncle Bagel, that is to say, the Lord Mayor, had neither selected Fish versus Fowl nor appeared in any guise, not even black tie.
[1] The first niece is given the recipes, and is expected to provide copies for all that are born after – this far all agree. In the event that the first niece should divorce, adopt veganism, or be expelled by a majority of no less than 4, the position becomes the next aunt’s first niece such that they were not already the same. (I include only this clause since it is the sole difference between our law and those of the surrounding franchises and villages).
