Editorial notes: This untitled post was found in ‘Draft’ mode in the original blog and may be incomplete. It is published here in its original state. It was last updated on 13/09/2016
Like a captain far from any familiar shore, gifted with a map without which he could only be utterly lost, yet dreading the fear that his past mistakes can only repeat so that he will lose even the ken to trust the map, and instead plummet again and again into damaging shoals and entrapping reefs.
“God wishes man to ask forgiveness, and not to see him in his guilt.” (Midrash Tanhuma) Hashem wants our teshuva. When I do it, I may intend regret and change, but I should also know that I fulfilling His will, which is only good without any wrong. The purpose of teshuva is not shame nor regret, it is reconciliation and elevation.
נוֹרָא עֲלִילָה עַל בְּנֵי אָדָם
[See] His fearsome plot upon children of men. (And Midrash Tanhuma explains that the first sin of the first man and women was plotted so that we might rise up and thus elevate the darkness).
יאהֲבֵאתָנוּ בַמְּצוּדָה שַׂמְתָּ מּוּעָקָה בְמָתְנֵינו
You brought us into a trap and placed chains on our limbs. (I don’t know how to think of the past. I know that in the past I had free will no less than now. But for me, the present is now. I may say to myself, in the past Hashem brought me trials he wanted me to face, and handicaps he wanted me to carry, and if I had failed Hashem at those times, then all the more reason to believe that these moments of self-awareness herald elevation of those dark times. I could not elevate all those terrible actions and failures and intentions of mine, without sinning and failing and defining myself by unwholesome intentions. Nor could I elevate the circumstances that surrounded me at those times. In fact, the more traps I have behind me, the greater the opportunity for positivity. For to fix one break is inferior to the fixing of two, and so forth. This logic is simple, but it may inspire me with the tremendous height of my opportunity for reversal.)
(To this I may add: If I may reverse my character, which hitherto had dwelled in unwholesome and unjust and hurtful actions. Then, if I truly reverse, then I would be of such a character as to help and do service to those around me. Most especially those I’ve hurt. Most especially those I’ve hurt who bore my shameful being with love and hope and sympathetic sorrow and care. Most especially my parents, and thereafter my siblings. Thereafter my teachers who sought to help me despite my history which explicitly and implicitly opposed their stream. Thereafter those who were willing to befriend me despite my selfish rejections of them. Thereafter there are too many people to know.)
(To conclude: It may inspire me to consider that my life has been orchestrated by the Creator of worlds, and that He wishes me now in this present, in this field of action, to return to him and thus it is possible. Not only is it possible, but if I could achieve such a great feat, it would bring meaning and hope and purpose to my past, most especially those times of pain and suffering and dejection and more. And while I could never erase the hurt I have inflicted on those who loved me, I can stop hurting them, and instead add positive and desirable and wholesome value to their life.)
(Even if I should fail I should not give up. The righteous (King David sung) fall 7 times but every time arise. I am not righteous, but surely I can keep trying, for there is nothing more important in my life than I stop adding pain to this world. I add to this a pathetic corrolary which may yet eject the value of sparks of hesitation: what other hope do I have; one so broken and corrupted against love and wholesome intention, for so long and to such an extent?)
In these ways all our life carries the seeds of purpose, and forever brings opportunity to the present. In these ways our past may be a blessing, meaning a beraichah (spring), and thus a source of goodness for ourselves and for others.
