This is what I’ve worked out. This is the progress I’ve made. This the set-back I’ve experienced. This is my recommendation for the best way forward.
It seems like
Emotions form a substrate of the conscious entity, that is separate in the same way that the physical body is separate from the mind, but irreducibly connected in the same way that the physical body is.
Just because an emotion or sensation (or thought) is not a subject of awareness, or even practically amenable to awareness, does not mean that it is not existence. So too, it does not mean that it is not modifying the train of experience and will – by biasing the priorities of the mind’s contents and values, and so too for the behaviours enacted on the mind’s behalf.
Looking backwards
It is possible to see things that were not conceivable as practically accessible. Notably emotions. Notably their sensations. Notably the expression of their sensations.
Subtleties and complexities can reveal themselves.
That which appeared as a monolith can unpack itself into layers that talk amongst themselves and share memories in their own dialect.
Backwards looking
It is possible to stop seeing things that had been seen. Notably emotions. Notably their sensations. Notably the expression of their sensations. Subtleties and complexities can hide themselves. That which appeared as a chorus and ecology can pack itself into a monolith.
It is possible to find that which was lost and found and lost. It is possible to find the emotions that were not known, then discovered, then cast once more into self-denying shadows.
Just because an emotion is not a subject of awareness does not mean it does not exist. Rather, if an emotion exists then it is a subject of expression (even a muted expression) and reaction (even a diverting reaction). Thus the clues adumbrating hidden emotions are cast in the mould of muted expression and diverting reactions.
For myself, when emotions are stifled then the distinction between expression and reaction is dependent on tenuous semantics. I may know the presence of an emotion as a corollary of the following, individually:
- A sharp physical pain in my left chest, sometimes also shoulder, sometimes also diffusing into the arm, sometimes also diffusing into the face.
- An aching body.
- An intuition of flatness, or being unmotivated.
- An obsession with strong stimuli, like loud music or sweet food.
- An inclination for states of distraction, like day-dreaming.
- An intuition that something (nebulously recognized) needs to be worked out.
- A fear of the present moment, and craving to escape it.
When some of these are present then there is (likely) an underlying emotion. When there is a certainty that an underlying emotion exists then I may believe that it can be found. The nature of my thoughts may suggest the nature of the emotion. If mindless thoughts “sound” (as if from a disinterested third-person view) anxious or sad, then there may be anxiety or sadness – however, these may also be covers for something that lies beneath them. If I can find a sensation in my chest – and resist the pain that drives me away, and resist the belief that this pain is the emotion to be discovered – then I may study it. I can ask, is this one emotion, or is it another emotion.
There are mechanisms that deflect. Perhaps thoughts (reactive, and discursive – claiming a mandate to comprehend and understand the nature, origin, and imminent dissolution of the emotion), perhaps feelings (directing the attention elsewhere), perhaps urges (often vague insistences that something needs to be addressed right now, first, quickly and justifiably).
Instructions for mountain climbing
Walk up.
Sometimes walk down, but then walk up.
Sometimes fall, but get up.
Sometimes fail, but try again.
Keep walking.
