There was a time when my body was a great anchor wrapped around my mind, and my mind a tired and hungry mole, hard of sight and seeking the light. I awoke without refreshment, acknowledging the pain and the persistence of time that demanded a whole day before another respite. Every night I would lay down my body to sleep without hope of respite, acknowledging the restlessness and paranoia that would haunt my body and mind throughout the partial insomnia and abrasive dreams.
There have been many epiphanies that have been stepping stones towards my healing.One of the first arose from a realization that was also a question. I cannot go anywhere if I have nowhere to go.
“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?’
‘That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,’ said the Cat.
‘I don’t much care where -‘ said Alice.
‘Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,’ said the Cat.
‘- so long as I get SOMEWHERE,’ Alice added as an explanation.
‘Oh, you’re sure to do that,’ said the Cat, ‘if you only walk long enough.”
I knew that I needed momentum to achieve change, and I knew that I could have no momentum without a fixed point to move towards. I knew that all I needed was one thing to desire. The problem was that there was nothing to desire. Everything was too far away. What point is career or creativity if every step is a burden and every opportunity a callous reminder?
It took me a while to identify my physical health as an Archimedean nexus for change. I can always desire health. I can always define a gradient for health, and the minuscule (and greater) activities that contribute towards it. The endeavour for health was one that would evolve with achievements, and that continues to do so. It has taken on many focal points and targeted many habits and subservient desires.
The two activities that I held onto first were dental care and nutrition. In their platonic and generic forms, these two encompass entire realms of opportunity and exploration. But as Zeno realized, before one can reach the end of the room, one needs to reach half-way, a quarter, a step, half a step, a movement, an intention to step.
Every time I took care of my teeth, I knew that I was cleaning them, and moving closer to hygienic teeth; but, also, that I was one step further away from future dental decay. My teeth had already suffered significant and visually obvious damage. It had reached a stage where I was afraid to even think about them, for fear of the shame and sadness that would accompany any revelations; and, also, that I had ceased caring for my teeth because I had given up on my teeth in parallel to giving up on my future. By refusing to let my teeth come to further harm, every day was a belief put into practice: I have a future that I want to protect.
Nutrition began with the premise that I needed to eat more. I made an effort to eat even when I had no desire for food, and founded this motivation on a new perspective of food. I began to think more (and research) the nutritional components of food – the fats, sugars, proteins, minerals, hydration, and when looking at the food, I would look at everything that was good about it. In this way I knew I was nurturing my body. In time I developed a habit for desiring food, and in time I could make goals for cooking my food from ideal ingredients.
Similarly, in time I would make goals for a nightly habit of brushing my teeth, a morning habit, mouthwash, floss, and scheduling dentists. But it all began with brushing my teeth once a day, and being able to see that this was a gift to my future selves.
