{"id":796,"date":"2016-03-04T15:45:15","date_gmt":"2016-03-04T04:45:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/thetravellerslastjourney.com\/shai\/first-glimpses-of-shame"},"modified":"2019-08-04T11:58:44","modified_gmt":"2019-08-04T11:58:44","slug":"first-glimpses-of-shame","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thetravellerslastjourney.com\/shai\/2016\/03\/04\/first-glimpses-of-shame\/","title":{"rendered":"First glimpses of shame"},"content":{"rendered":"

I have faced the dragon. I have seen the ocean that drowns. I have seen the fires that consume. I have walked and been suffocated and been burnt. Beneath the waters and the flames I have seen the boulder that crushes.<\/p>\n

\""Ecce<\/a>
“Ecce Home II – Sisyphus” by Polygonist<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

It is a wooden board with sharp corners and rough edges, and a solidity that won’t fail.<\/p>\n

It is a room that shrinks and shrinks until the prisoner is crouching and caught.<\/p>\n

It is a fist clenched. It is a rock collapsing in on itself, like quick-sand, forever renewed, never to disappear.<\/p>\n

I had hoped in my delusions and in my ignorance and in my wish for everlasting peace, that when I stared into the dragon’s eye that it would flee and I henceforth I would be free.<\/p>\n

I had hoped that when the nest was clear, I could explore the place beneath it, and learn to dispel that too. And then, when I became receptive to the clues that the steps went\u00a0further down, I hoped that this was the basement.<\/p>\n

Alas these logics and mechanics have created a fantastic topology, so terrible. There are angers weighed down by shame, and fears that shroud themselves in sadness. There are patterns that reveal themselves as motifs, particular orders and relationships of forms. Shame followed by anger followed by sadness.<\/p>\n

Some of these creatures are subspecies, or children of mixed pairs, or potentiated children born of parthenogenesis.<\/p>\n

Some of these creatures appear anew. There is an excitement that rains small bubbles upwards from the chest into the mind, and there is lust that pulls itself towards creation.<\/p>\n

I wonder at this creature called shame, that it was buried so deeply as to be discovered later than others. Worse that fear and anger and sadness? What is this thing?<\/p>\n

I have wondered if it is the thing that wants us to be the best. I wonder if it mislearns its lessons when treated poorly by those that taught it. I wonder if all it wants is to be loved and appreciated – not myself, my shame! to love my shame for its love for me?<\/p>\n

\""All<\/a>
“All the lost battles” by Tervola @ Deviantart<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I have faced the dragon. I have seen the ocean that drowns. I have seen the fires that consume. I have walked and been suffocated and been burnt. Beneath the waters and the flames I have seen the boulder that crushes. It is a wooden board with sharp corners and rough edges, and a solidity […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[159,90,108,121,106],"tags":[120],"metadata":[],"class_list":["post-796","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-all-posts","category-blog-posts","category-observations","category-out-of-the-darkness","category-the-traveller-is-the-journey","tag-emotions"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":785,"url":"https:\/\/thetravellerslastjourney.com\/shai\/2016\/02\/27\/sadness\/","url_meta":{"origin":796,"position":0},"title":"Sadness","author":"Pala","date":"February 27, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Weak and vulnerable. Rivers flowing behind the eyes, and in the chest a sea. And the sea is never full. An undulating surface. Depths and darkness and suffocating enclosure. A place that expands from the inside out, with walls that never move. Desperation and pity and\u00a0collapsed possibilities. A flimsy coil\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "All Posts"","block_context":{"text":"All Posts","link":"https:\/\/thetravellerslastjourney.com\/shai\/all-posts\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"Drowning_1280x960","src":"https:\/\/travelleristhejourney.files.wordpress.com\/2016\/02\/drowning_1280x960.jpg?w=350&h=200&crop=1","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":1621,"url":"https:\/\/thetravellerslastjourney.com\/shai\/2016\/12\/23\/the-world-is-pitch-darkness-and-no-one-notices\/","url_meta":{"origin":796,"position":1},"title":"the world is pitch darkness and no one notices","author":"Pala","date":"December 23, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"When we saw the graves we knew ourselves ready for oblivion, whenever soon it came. We sat down and wrote our goodbye, \u201cThis\u201d, we said, \u201cwas our favourite thing\u201d (amongst all that we\u2019d experienced within life) That experience. The expansion in the mind that turns the world and we sit\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "All Posts"","block_context":{"text":"All Posts","link":"https:\/\/thetravellerslastjourney.com\/shai\/all-posts\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":1181,"url":"https:\/\/thetravellerslastjourney.com\/shai\/2017\/08\/23\/sisters\/","url_meta":{"origin":796,"position":2},"title":"Sisters!","author":"Pala","date":"August 23, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"[Fraudulent document? -- Editor] Marcus Garvey\u2019s diaries were amongst the improbable finds at Saddam Hussain's ill-financed palaces. Their contents have always been overshadowed, by the incredible story of their theft and doctoring by the Church of Scientology away from the Catholic Church (who were hiding it from common knowledge). They\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "All Posts"","block_context":{"text":"All Posts","link":"https:\/\/thetravellerslastjourney.com\/shai\/all-posts\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":110,"url":"https:\/\/thetravellerslastjourney.com\/shai\/2016\/11\/03\/how-to-build-an-ark\/","url_meta":{"origin":796,"position":3},"title":"How to Build an Ark","author":"Pala","date":"November 3, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Editorial notes: This post was found in 'Draft' mode in the original blog and may be incomplete. It is published here in its original state. It was last updated on 03\/11\/2016. What follows is a very practical guide to building an ark. Or joining one if already built :-) Briefest\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "A Bashful Hope"","block_context":{"text":"A Bashful Hope","link":"https:\/\/thetravellerslastjourney.com\/shai\/all-posts\/blog-posts\/a-bashful-hope\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":572,"url":"https:\/\/thetravellerslastjourney.com\/shai\/2016\/11\/09\/step-outside\/","url_meta":{"origin":796,"position":4},"title":"Step outside","author":"Pala","date":"November 9, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Just for a few minutes. Not literally. The way things look is undeniable. The more we look, the more we see. And it's still undeniable. But behind it all. Between shadows and flickers of distraction, is some other thing, a gossamer lighthouse, impossible and tall. 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